Dating Violence and the Internet

Recent research out of Kansas State University, as reported by Yahoo, finds that "Approximately 30 percent of college students have been in relationships that involve physical aggression. Even more have been in relationships that are emotionally abusive." That is a very unsettling rate.

What can be done about it? Sites such as Love Is Respect, funded by Liz Claiborne, allow people who are being abused or harmed to seek help easily and possibly easier than calling a local hot line. The live chat option is available from the late afternoon to early morning, the times when people are more likely to be able to go online.

And the people behind the site seem to be pretty savvy about issues of privacy and tracking. Before you can even enter the site, there is a warning about computer monitoring accompanied by a phone number in case the computer is not deemed safe. Similarly, throughout the site, there are warnings about the true anonymity of online usage.

An example of some of the positive ways that the internet can impact teen sexuality and relationships.

Playboy U

The LA Times reports that Playboy will be launching its own social networking site called Playboy U. Although the site does not permit nudity, it naturally hosts several pictures of scantily-clad members of the Playboy mansion. Featured message topics focus on penis size and the number of persons one has slept with.

Aimed at college students, Playboy U "managed to get 2,000 members from 500 colleges in early beta tests." Only those with an email address ending in a .edu will be permitted to join.

Look out Tila Tequila -- here comes the competition!

I hope this does not become a new source of sex education for young men -- but it probably will be, since schools are teaching less and less of it. From the stories I have heard from my students, Playboy and other "adult" magazines are often one of the main places that boys learn about sex (girls too, for that matter). I see no reason why that wouldn't expand to its internet site.

Only 1,999,877 to Go!

Tila Tequila built her entire celebrity status through her page on MySpace. She currently has over 2,000,000 friends. Yes, I counted the decimals right. No, I am not one of them. Now, according to TV Week, Tila is the star of her own dating show, “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila," which will premiere on MTV October 9th. What makes her unique -- aside from her self-created career -- is the fact that this dating show will be the first whose dating pool consists of both men and women. I'll let Tila explain it herself -- here's a quote from her blog:

"My show is about finding true love, because for me....having over 2 million friends is cool but sometimes it makes it hard for me to find someone real, and someone whom I can trust and love.....but there is a catch.....the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? So on my new reality show there will be 16 male contestants and 16 female contestants all fighting for my love....the only twist is....yes, there is another twist....the only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS....WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????"

Tila is not exactly the best role model. It's not her bisexuality that is of any relevance to me, it's more the way she exploits herself and glamorizes her life of sex and drugs. Her page is littered with all sorts of interesting "facts" about her rise to fame: "Eventually tiring of Houston, she made her rounds to New York, where she experimented with drugs and a hardcore lifestyle. Tired of her all female mnage et trois relationship (sic), she headed to Los Angeles where at 18, she was scouted by Playboy, and eventually became their first ever Asian Cyber Girl of the Month." And she just launched her own online poker site and is almost finished with her first album!

And "finding "true love through a reality TV show? Puh-leez. Just ask Joe Millionaire's Evan and Zora (and so many other couples who have looked for partners this way) how well it works.

Hopefully there aren't too many young girls out there who hope to follow in her footsteps. At this rate, I'll take Paris any day.

Picking on the Intern

Maybe I am asking too much, or maybe I should just relax. Actually, I know I should just relax. But I found another column by that CNet intern that drives me a little crazy. This one is all about dating advice in the land of Facebook. She makes some decent points, like "Don't post makeout pictures on MySpace," so it's worth the read despite the fact that she also states to not judge a person by their MySpace page and then proceeds to make a strong judgment about boys who post pictures "where he's flexing his abs while simultaneously doing a thumbs up" (Advice: "Stay. Away."). Ah, teenagers.

Here's her situation: She's at a party, where she sees a gorgeous hunk with dreamy eyes. She admires him from afar. I can totally relate to this -- I think this happened to me every other day in high school and college. Then, she goes home and looks up Mr. Dreamy Eyes on Facebook by hunting down his profile through mutual friends. I can still sort of relate. I remember trying to casually ask mutual friends about that random dude while not really cluing in on the fact that I thought he was sexy as hell. I am sure I fooled no one (but I thought I was clever). Finally, after "a series of flirty messages, followed by some text messages and one phone call," she and Dreamy Eyes agree to go out. My parallel? Those random "I just happened to pass your dorm room (or locker) and you were there" chats leading to something else. It's the same, just a little different. The modern 2.0 version is somewhat more removed, but the steps are pretty similar.

While it's cool that she sets up the scenario of how meeting someone through the internet and then dating IRL might work, her hypocrisy is all-too apparent. While she herself admits to making initial contact online, she makes her first rule of teen dating in the digital age "When possible, strike up an in-person conversation before cyberstalking." Oops. Maybe this paradox is the result of an overbearing editor? Or maybe she is just a typical adolescent who wants everyone to do as she says, and not as she does. Who knows, but it set me off a bit for some bizarre reason.

At least I'm not the only one who calls her on it. Her first comment reads: " WAIT, SO YOU WANT GUYS TO NOT DO WHAT YOU DID? IM CONFUSED. IF MR. RIGHT WAS THERE AT THE PARTY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO SPARK CONVERSATION WITH HIM INSTEAD OF RUNNING TO THE COMPUTER?"

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Teen to see jail time for stupidity

In Florida, a teen will get 30 days in jail for posting a nekked picture of his ex-girlfriend on a social networking site. He was 17, she was 15, when the picture was taken (consensually) and posted (not consensually). They were going out at the time of the posting.

He was charged with child abuse and attempted child abuse according to CBS news. This accusation was dropped from a sex crime charge which would have led him to become a registered sex offender.

Do you think these charges are justified? Did this boy get what he deserved? Was the punishment too harsh?

Although this may be one of the first instances, you can bet it isn't going to be the last. Not by a long shot.

I'm Almost "Old"

Teenager Sabeba Suri publishes her musings on ZDNet.com about why 40-year-olds want to be on Facebook. Although somewhat amusing to hear this perspective, her post is simplistic at best, offensive and callous at worst. She ultimately concludes that it is just plain "creepy" for people over 40 to use social networking. I think the major flaw of her argument is that she is confusing "old folks" using SN with them contacting her and other teens via SN. I agree that the latter can be pretty "creepy," while the former would, ultimately, be none of her business. If non-hip, non-teen people want to use SN, why should she even notice? Wouldn't it be just as "creepy" if a 17-year-old wanted to befriend a 40-year-old? Note: if that happens to you, I bet you it is To Catch a Predator looking for TV fodder, so don't take the bait.

Some of the responders to her post raise some excellent exceptions as to why older persons may be contacting those significantly younger than they are. How about teachers who want to stay in touch with students (hey! that's me!), or relatives who live far away and are not as savvy to Skype? The most powerful response, however, is one from a person in the military who states:

"So I am 30, and I talk to 18 year olds on a social networking site. Why? I am in the military and 90% of my troops are ages 18 to 21. Now I don't have anyone on my friends list who is not family or close to me and no friends on my list are under 21. But, I talk to 18 year olds. Why, if one of my soldiers has a problem, how do I relate to them? They would loose confidence in me and wouldn't come to me if I could not communicate effectively in their language. That Means I must stay current, and sometimes it helps to bounce ideas off of other people their age to get perspective. I also spend sometimes 200 plus days away from home, thousands of miles away. When I can get time to send a message home to say I am alive, It's a little easier with a post, I'll save the phone call for my family."

While I will try to be sympathetic to a teen's limited perspective, it would help if her editors shed a little light on the matter before writing such a hostile post.

Global Curiosity

Nigerian school children who received computers through the One Laptop Per Child group are apparently looking up porn. The non-profit organization stated that from now on it would install filters on the machines.

No Second Chance

Florida now lists teens as young as 14 on the state's sex offender registry, according to the Sun-Sentinel. Florida legislators unanimously approved the law, citing the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act as justification (note: complying with this Act can result in significant federal funding). According to the article, "The Adam Walsh Act, which went into effect last year, requires children 14 and older who engage in genital, anal or oral-genital contact with children younger than 12 to be included in community-notification laws, such as the predator list."

Critics of the law state that parents, who are often the first to learn of teens' behaviors, "may be reluctant to seek help for their children if they will be labeled and their families' homes identified on the sex offender list." Thus, the behaviors will go unreported and the youth will not receive treatment or counseling. Other critics argue that a minor who commits sex offenses should be treated and rehabilitated -- not punished for the rest of his or her life.

Currently, in accordance with Megan's Law, a person who is classified as a sex offender has to register for the rest of his or her life -- and any contact information needs to be made available to the pubic. However, a person can petition to be removed after a minimum of 10 years.

For Research Nerds

danah boyd is compiling a list of all research on Social Networking. View the list here and write her a comment here to add any missing cites.

A level head in a sea of panic

You can always count on Larry Magid and Anne Collier of Blog Safety and Net Family News for a solid perspective on online predators. Last week they published an editorial in the San Jose Mercury News entitled Tell teens about good, bad sides of social networking. Here are the highlights:

• MySpace has announced it has deleted 29,000 profiles of sexual predators. Assuming that there were no duplicates, that represents less than 5% of the known sexual predators in the US.
• Using a news analysis, out of the 12 million teens online, 100 have been victims of sexual exploitation. That percentage is too small to calculate.
• None of the youth that have been sexually exploited as a result of an online sexual predator were kidnapped -- all went willingly with their assailant, and many had sex "consensually" (as much as you believe a minor can consent to sexual activity -- but that is a discussion for another day).

The major message these two want to convey is to keep these numbers in perspective. That panicking about this issue and prohibiting teens from going online will only drive them "underground" -- away from healthy discussions.

And given that most sexual abuse happens closer to home, driving your teens away is probably the last thing you want to do if you are really concerned about sexual exploitation.

They must have some pretty good bookmarks...

According to a survey of 750 teens conducted for eCrush, 46% stated they preferred to surf the 'net than go on a date. At least "only" 42% would rather watch TV...

Is dating that bad these days, or am I just not going to the right web sites?

Am I paranoid?

I loved the concept of the YouTube democratic debates and I appreciated the fact that there was a token question about sexuality education! However, to my chagrin, the video to that particular question on the site only has the actual question as asked by Planned Parenthood and not the two responses by Edwards and Obama (note: blogs written by people with more sexually conservative blogs are appalled by the fact that the question was actually asked by an affiliate of PPH called Planned Parenthood Votes and believe that this is an example the pervasive liberal media bias and promotion of improper values).

If you want to hear the question along with the two responses, as well as commentary about them, go to American Sexuality Magazine's blog.

Reality Bites

Newsweek covers Second Life, a virtual 3-D world where almost anything goes for the over 8 million people who roam there. And although Newsweek overall gives the concept of a computer-based society a positive spin, it does point out some of the negatives, such as the incredibly controversial criminal investigation in Germany against people who have virtual sex with a child avatar (note: the person behind the avatar was a legal adult).

There are stories of people who have become IRL millionaires through selling items such as clothing and land in Second Life. There are case studies of how businesses are using Second Life to enhance customer service. But the most startling statistic to me? "By 2011, four of every five people who use the Internet will actively participate in Second Life or some similar medium."

We need to treat this prediction as truth of the inevitable and start teaching virtual etiquette and develop general relationship education to prepare for this phenomenon.

Post It, and They Will Come

Controversy continues over the running of a Trojan ad, Evolve, which features a bar scene where women are surrounded by pigs. Then, one pig goes to the restroom and returns with a condom, and transforms into an attractive man.

Sort of a cute idea, trying to not only normalize condom use, but also make it look as though condoms make you hot -- better than sending the message that beer makes you attractive. But apparently not everyone feels that way. According to the Kaiser Women's Health Report, the Pittsburgh market is not receiving the Trojan ad favorably; in contrast, Seattle has given it "the green light." This follows on the heels of the announcements by CBS and Fox that they would not run the ad because, according to the New York Times, "Fox said it objected to the message that condoms can prevent pregnancy, while CBS said it was not 'appropriate'" (note: these are the stations that bring you such shows as CSI, full of sexual fetish story lines and the recently canceled OC, which oozed sex).

But not to worry, the same NYT article also states that: "The commercial has been viewed nearly 100,000 times on YouTube, while trojanevolve.com has drawn more than 400,000 unique visitors since June 18." Of course, this topic has been discussed on several blogs, such as this one as well as the widely read and respected Huffington Post, drawing even more attention to it.

Let's hope these conversations get people -- especially the younger generation -- to talk about safer sex. No one wants to be a pig.

(insert phallic joke here)

A little break from my normal serious posts. BoingBoing, a "directory of wonderful things" covered a story close to my town about some controversial bollards that have been installed in the city of Keizer, OR. Personally, I didn't think they looked THAT phallic, but my vote doesn't count in that more conservative area of Oregon.

What I find wonderful is that several people have now posted numerous comments to this blog entry, adding their own links to and pictures of the most phallic landmarks throughout the world. Ha! Now people of all ages have convenient access to penis- (and boob-, and even a "moon-") look-alikes everywhere!

I don't think this is what the citizens of Keizer had in mind when they began complaining.

One Abstinence Program Down, Many More to Go

The federal Title V abstinence education program has expired -- however, President Bush is still looking to increase the amount of abstinence-only dollars from $163 million to $191 million for the fiscal year 2008.

Abstinence-only funds require that its recipients teach that sex outside of marriage has harmful physical and psychological effects and bans most discussions concerning condoms and other contraceptive methods. These programs alienate children of single or non-heterosexual parents, sexual minority youth, and teens who have already chosen to have sex. In it's earlier versions, this program also implied that children who had been abused or raped had been "sexually active," but thankfully that had changed. Still, there are a lot of people this program does not speak to. Is it possible to create a sex ed program that speaks to everyone?

Smile! You've been cyberbullied

A new study by Pew Internet and American Life reports that 9% of social networking youth have had an "embarrassing picture" of them posted online. In addition, 16% reported that they have had a rumor spread about them online. Although the content of this cyberbullying is not sexual by default, the content of rumors often is about sex. As for pictures? They could range from partying (or, more likely, its after effects) or just a picture showing someone's "bad side." But they could also show people hooking up or pretending to be a Girl Gone Wild.

When conducting my own interviews of college youth about their use of social networking sites, I heard of a group of guys who contacted girls for anonymous sex. While the boys were receiving blow jobs, they took pictures of the act and posted them on their MySpace accounts -- and showed off the evidence of their conquests to anyone in the dorm who cared to see. Another group of guys turned on their webcams before taking a girl to bed after a party. I am not sure what happened to those videos.

Point is, it is really easy for "embarrassing pictures" to end up online. Is it more common among high school or college youth? Who knows, but the long-term effects can be serious and devastating -- not just humiliating.

Abstinence only message goes online

The Office of Public Health and Science's website 4parents.gov has launched a new campaign that encourages parents to talk to their children about remaining abstinent until marriage. The facts offered to parents such as the Birth Control Chart skew towards the negative (e.g., publishing typical use rather than perfect use failure rates), but at least they cite all their sources.

On the site's homepage you can view a Public Service Announcement which says "Tell your kids you want them to wait 'til they're married to have sex." An acknowledgment about sex information online is there too ("So talk to me about sex. 'Cause...It's all over the Internet).

More harm than good?

I was quickly disappointed after I saw a headline that read "Teens learn about sex online" on a South Georgia news channel. After the initial excitement, I was immediately brought back to reality.

There is really no meat to the story. Just quotes from an angry mom with five teens who says she doesn't like the idea of her kids looking up information about sex online. And a shout-out to www.scarleteen.com, which, incidentally, is one of the most progressive sites related to young adult and teen sexuality. Not exactly representative. But then again, maybe that is why South Georgia chose it. Or maybe it was because they have no idea what is going on. Either way, this is not the message I like to see reaching the general population on this topic. Couldn't the newscasters have gone a little more in depth?

Sigh...

Normal vs. Normative

In our never-ending desire to try to figure out if something (especially if it concerns sexuality and/or sexual desire) is "normal," why don't we first check to see whether something is "normative" -- i.e., how typical it is in the general population? Because, you see, if it is "normative," that means a lot of people are doing it -- "normal" or not.

So, what is normative? Visiting web sites with "adult content," that's what. In April of 2007, according to CNN's reporting of comScore Media Metrix statistics, "more than a third of the U.S. Internet audience visited sites that fit into the online "adult" category."

But is it "normal" to do this? Well, if you believe the answer is "yes," that viewing adult content online is not only normal but also non-problematic, then the buck stops here. People like to look at sexual content and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, if you believe the answer is "no," it is not normal to do this, then you need to face the facts -- since it is so normative to look at adult content online, then the "problem" cannot be addressed on an individual level (i.e., through counseling or other therapeutic techniques), but on a societal level -- something this prevalent yet supposedly problematic needs a systemic solution, a new way of thinking.

This CNN article believes that there are problems with this normative behavior. It stresses that the problems lie in the way they impact young women. That young women have come to believe that "unapologetic embracing of sexuality and exhibitionism" is not only the norm, but the way to get attention and approval.

I have commented on this before, but this phenomenon and the way we are addressing it deserve a lot of attention. The research community is depending on psychologists to tell us how internet sexuality is impacting young women. Like this article, most of the information we are gathering is anecdotal and coming from the expert opinions of counselors and therapists, who by nature address problems on an individual level. This perspective is needed, but it is not enough. We need to get at the root of how normative these behaviors are before we tackle a solution.

We need to start seeing internet sexuality as a public health issue.

Guilt by Association

After initial resistance, MySpace has been releasing information on registered sex offenders it has identified and removed from the social-networking Web site to the Attorney Generals of eight states. According to The Washington Post, MySpace has removed about 7,000 profiles, of a total of about 180 million (You can see the effectiveness of this campaign here, in a quick survey that found that five of nine discovered members were still online and actively networking).

Unfortunately, one of those 7,000 profiles belonged to Jessica Davis, a 29-year-old University of Colorado senior. The Wired Blog Network has been following the story of a woman wrongly accused of being a sex offender and having her MySpace account removed from the site. Although MySpace has yet to acknowledge the error, Sentinel, the company that built the sex-offender database, has.

Needless to say this new policy has, to say the least, many limitations and gaps. Will it protect children? As my Magic 8-ball would say "outlook not good."

Debunking the Myths

On May 3, the Congressional Internet Caucus Advisory Committee held a briefing entitled Just the Facts about Online Youth Victimization: Researchers Present the Facts and Debunk Myths.

It's about time.

David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire, perhaps provided the most challenging counter example to media portrayals of online victimization. Using the real-life tale of "Jenna" (not her real name), he shows how the 13-year-old girl knew that her new "boyfriend" was 45 when they met online. Nevertheless, she willingly went to the motel room where he was staying and they had sex. When her assailant was apprehended, she didn't want to press charges and stated that she was in love with the much older man.

Finkelhor says it is dangerous and misleading to have adults believe that online predators lie and physically force their victims to be with them. "These are not violent sex crimes. They are criminal seductions that take advantage of common teenage vulnerabilities. The offenders play on teens' desires for romance, adventure, sexual information, understanding."

In other words, this is an old story -- troubled child from broken home is taken advantage of by someone who says he cares. Same tune, different instrument.

You can view, hear, or read the entire presentation online. Plus, the Committee provides access to excellent resources concerning online youth victimization and online youth habits

Caught in the Web

Eight states (Connecticut, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio and Pennsylvania) have requested that MySpace turn over the names and other information of any registered sex offenders that are currently using their site. Although, according to CNN, it is not clear as to whether MySpace is directly responding to this request, the largest social networking site did say it was removing known offenders from the site. According to the article MySpace announced in December that it was partnering with Sentinel Tech Holding Corp. to build a database with information on sex offenders in the United States.

Although efforts like these can't hurt, after reading Caught in the Web: Inside the Police Hunt to Rescue Children from Online Predators by Julian Sher, I am skeptical as to how helpful these efforts will really be. Sher, in his reporting of the issue of online child pornography (as opposed to focusing on older persons who try to meet F2F with youth for sexual encounters), brings up to essential points that are often overlooked when policy makers attempt to address the issue of child sexual abuse facilitated by the Internet:

1. For the most part, law enforcement works locally and within a jurisdiction. The Internet knows no geographical bounds and doesn't even stay within national borders. If society truly wants to stop online child sexual exploitation, it is going to have to embark on a serious international coordinated effort. Though Sher outlines steps that have been taken, showing that law enforcement has come along way in just a few years, there is nothing close to clear communication and/or a systematic procedure when dealing with this crime.

2. Child sexual abuse -- even that which begins online -- is still primarily perpetrated by family members or persons the child knows. Yes, strangers can abuse. But it is MUCH more likely that a child is going to be exploited by someone they know, and unfortunately trust.

Although sensationalistic at times (what True Crime book is not guilty of this tone?), Caught in the Web should probably be read -- or at least skimmed -- by anyone trying to "protect our children" from evil online predators. After digesting the information in this book, hopefully they will come away with an understanding of how the internet is a community to which the usual procedures of law enforcement cannot be applied -- especially if you ignore who the primary offenders continue to be.

The Internet is for Porn?

A recent article in The Economist reports that social networking sites may be gaining on the popularity of internet porn. According to the article, 13% of American-based website visits were "pornographic in nature." However, this percentage seems to have declined to a low of around 11% in Februrary 2007. Interestingly enough, this pattern is mirrored by an almost directly proportional increase in the use of social networking sites.

Could it be that people are no longer interested in paying for their adult content, and instead are seeking (or creating) their own -- for free? The correlation is not lost in The Economist: "The growing popularity of social-networking sites is not entirely unrelated to sex."

Here we go again...

Another bill that would require web sites to have warning labels. Though this one would also require such sites to register in a national directory, as reported by CNET news.

The bill, sponsored by two democrats, states that a web site that contains adult content would have to be labeled as "Harmful to Minors" (read Levine's book of the same title to see the irony in choosing this label). These sites would also have to tag themselves with a special code so that they could be filtered and monitored easily. There is no exemption for news outlets in the current legislation.

According to CNET, "Harmful to minors is defined in the legislation as any type of material that appeals to the prurient interest by depicting or describing an actual or simulated sex act--and lacks serious scientific, literary, artistic or political values for minors." This definition is very similar to the one laid out in 1973 by the Supreme Court in Miller v. California which is still the most current legal definition we have for "obscenity."

Note how extreme violence is apparently not even considered as deserving of this label.

This is not the first time, nor the last, that such legislation has been brought up for consideration. So far, the First Amendment has won every time.

Girls Gone Wild or Forced into Insanity?

Girls Gone Wild host and creator Joe Francis remains at large after being found in contempt of court during his trial in which, according to the LA Times, "seven women, filmed on a Florida beach in 2003, say they were "victimized" by Francis' crew by being put in explicit scenes."

There is no question about the success this man has had getting young girls (all of age, he insists) to either make out with their friends, flash their boobs, or do something else sexual in order to become the proud owner of a T-shirt or a hat. Then, he turns around and sells those images turning a multi-million dollar profit.

Some say it's genius. Some say it's exploitation. But in a powerful story, also previously published in the LA Times by Claire Hoffman, states that the Internet has had an impact on these girls and their willingness to expose so much for so little: "Francis has aimed his cameras at a generation whose notions of privacy and sexuality are different from any other. Nursed on MySpace profiles and reality television, many young people today are comfortable with being perpetually photographed and having those images posted on the Internet for anyone to see. The boundaries that once contained sexuality have also fallen away. Whether it's 13-year-olds watching a Britney Spears video, 16-year-olds getting their pubic hair waxed to emulate porn stars or 17-year-olds viewing videos of celebrities performing the most intimate acts, youth culture is soaked in sexuality."

Other girls have tried to sue Francis for sexual exploitation. At least one claims he raped her and tells her story in Hoffman's article. Most of these women have received no justice through the court system or anywhere else.

Still think we can shy away from the role the Internet plays in the sexualization of our youth?

More on Teens, Texting, and Relationships

More on that research conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited about how teens are staying in touch with their significant others. According to an article in the Seattle Times, "From 10 p.m. to midnight, almost a third of teens in a relationship call or text 10 to 30 times an hour." Still no word on how many teens that actually is, but the data is a little more informative than when I first mentioned it here and tried to guess about the sample size.

So, as the Seattle Times article states, the incessant communication between young people is becoming more and more subtle. I remember needing to talk to my best friend and my s.o. constantly (usually on the phone after school and sports practice) even if I had just spent most of school with her or him. I remember in college, where I lived dorm style, that I was essentially living with my boyfriend in a dinky little room complete with twin bed and roommate. So the idea of a teen spending almost literally ALL of his or her time with that special someone is not new. It's just been put into stealth mode.

Some Comments on Comments

I am usually excited when the rare comment is posted on my blog. I love to hear what other people are thinking about regarding the same issues that whirl around my head constantly.

What is annoying, however, are spam comments. Those comments that read like the emails that land in my Bulk email folder. Those comments that are placed by a "bot," not a human. Those comments that find my blog probably because I have words like "sex" in it.

Here are some annoying examples:
"Hi.
Pheromones is sexual attractant for men and women, it helps to improve your sexual performance, satisfaction and enjoyment."

"Hi,
erotic sex toys for man and woman, it helps to improve your sexual experience, satisfaction and enjoyment."

These are semi-amusing because of the greeting placed in front of them. It's like there really is a person out there trying to educate us about something relevant to the post.

I wonder how common these comment-bots are. I wonder how often they appear on the blogs scripted by teens and young adults who are likely to type those "trigger" words that these spammers seek out.

And how numb have we become to the idea that there are a bazillion (yes, I counted) products out there advertising that they can improve our sex lives? Does anyone really think these things work?

Let's hope the kids are too smart to fall for them because they probably getting these messages more than I do.

Another Case of Child Pornography

According to Maine's Bangor Daily News, a 15-year-old boy has been charged with downloading child pornography. There is no mention of the age of the children in the photos that were confiscated. Given the fact that the person charged with the crime is a "child" himself, it is possible that he was looking at sexually explicit pictures of persons his own age.

In the article David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Again Children Research Center is quoted as saying: "A large number of teens have said they have downloaded child porn (ed note: he does not mention the source of this data, but he and his colleagues are those responsible for reports such as the oft-quoted Second Youth Internet Safety Survey). Many do not realize it's criminal. [To them] it's sexual exploration...We also know many kids are taking sexual photos of themselves and friends and sending them to people. That is child pornography production and that's criminal as well."

This may be one of the first times an academic expert has stepped forward in the news to defend a minor's use of not specifically child pornography, but pornography in general.

What's the Right Thing to Do?

Lots of recent coverage on the ethics of reporting about online predators -- most of it having to do with entrapment and vigilantism. Take for example Perverted Justice founder Xavier Von Erck, the man and web site behind NBC's Dateline series, To Catch a Predator. In an Oregon Public Broadcasting story Von Erck claims to dislike children and authority, both of which are integral parts of his outfit. Yet, he willingly takes NBC's money (enough to carry his organization comfortably through the year 2009) to champion the cause of saving children from these bad men he outs -- one even killed himself to avoid arrest. Von Erck shows no remorse and instead complains that the suicide "robbed us of a conviction." Who is the "us" exactly? Society? His organization? Dateline? Unclear.

Then there is the case of New York Times reporter Kurt Eichenwald. He published a series of articles about Justin Berry, a former child prositute who turned 18 and was currently grooming other children to follow in his footsteps. Berry was groomed himself, starting with an innocent purchase of a Webcam, then being paid to take off his clothes while online, and eventually meeting men face to face for sex. Eichenwald is on trial for allegedly "loaning" Berry $2,000 -- an ethical violation in journalism. Nevertheless, he is still the recpient of a Payne Award, University of Oregon's award for ethics in journalism.

I am not writing to support the actions of online predators. But what happened to trying to apprehend them the old-fashioned way? By arresting them for wrongdoing? I worry about the growing popularity of entrapment, paying off sources, and being rewarded for it. We don't need people like Bernhard Goetz or Batman serving as model citizens.

Alberta: Three years ahead or behind?

According to a study reported by CBC, more than one third of Alberta boys aged 13 to 14 have watched pornography on the internet "too many times to count." This percentage can be loosely compared to the study just published in Pediatrics on US youth which found that about a third of 16-17 year old boys had "wanted exposure" to online porn.

Both the US and Canadian studies found that exposure in girls in the same age categories was 8%. So, similar percentages, just younger age groups.

One possible explanation is that far fewer Canadian youth reported having filtering software on their computers as compared to US youth. In the Canadian study, only 13 per cent of the 8th grade students said they had blocking technology on computers and TVs, whereas over half of the US youth said their computers did.

The authors of both studies cite the need for parent and youth education to stop this behavior.

A Glimmer of Optimism

A couple of weeks ago, Regina Lynn's Sex Drive Column from Wired Magazine put a new spin on online predators -- that, in some perverse way, there could be a benefit to them.

Of course no one is saying that online solicitation is a good thing. But Lynn argues that all the coverage and publicity online predators are getting can be turned into teachable moments by the media and parents. That watching Dateline and visiting Perverted Justice can alert children to the strategies of online predators and also show them that this sort of behavior from adults is NOT OK. That these people really are bad guys who deserve to be confronted.

She also says that sex offenders, by going online to find their victims, are actually making it easier for us to understand their tactics and motives. My favorite quote:
"If we acknowledge that the internet did not create sexual abuse any more than freeways created reckless drivers, we might be able to analyze better why some adults continue to seek sexual contact with minors -- even now that we have the transcripts."

Although Lynn ends her column by saying that it would be fitting if the internet actually helped put an end to sexual abuse, I am not as optimistic. As she does state, the vast majority of sexual abuse takes place within families or among acquaintences. For the most part, the cases (at least those we are aware of) are strangers reaching out. Are there patterns? Perhaps, but it remains to be seen.

In the meantime, putting stranger solicitation into perspective is still the educated way to go.

The hypocrisy in protecting our youth

Are teens old enough to make their own sexual decisions, or do we need to protect them from their sexual desires and experimentation? In Florida, the answer is apparently neither -- they can't engage in their own sexual choices (however misguided) and when they are caught, they are punished like adults who are responsible for their actions. That is essentially what happened when an underage couple took pictures of themselves engaged in "sexual behaviors" and emailed the pictures to the boyfriend's email account. How the police ended up with the photos is unknown, as there is no evidence either teen shared the pictures with anyone but themselves. But the end result is that the teens were arrested and charged with "producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child." In other words, they became kiddie porn creators and possessors.

Their lawyer tried to appeal the decision arguing that their fundamental right to privacy was violated by whoever snooped in their emails. No go, said the appeals court, as minors have no right to privacy in this case. The court voted 2-1 in favor of upholding the conviction. In the dissent, Judge Padovano stated that the law ""was designed to protect children from abuse by others, but it was used in this case to punish a child for her own mistake."

Kudos to Anne Collier of NetFamily News for addressing this issue.

Sparking Debate

US district court judge Sam Sparks threw out a case filed on behalf of a 13-year-old girl who claims she was sexually assaulted by a 19-year-0old man she met on MySpace. The Communications Decency Act (CDA) of 1996, which states that operators of Internet services are not to be considered the publishers of its content was cited in the decision to stop the lawsuit. The CDA is worded such that those in charge of Web 2.0-like sites are not legally liable for the words of those who use their services. In a sense, CDA allows MySpace to clear itself from blame from both the solicitations of the 19 year old as well as the fabrications of the 13-year-old, whom the potential defendant claimed she said she was 18 on her page.

Cyber-Stalking and Teens

A study put out by a Teenage Research Unlimited, a for-profit research and marketing company, and funded by the Liz Claiborne Company found that teens are obsessive about keeping track of their significant others by using technology. Yahoo News reports that survey findings include the statistic that almost one-quarter of teens surveyed who were currently in a relationship stated that they had received hourly text messages or phone calls to check up on them between midnight and 5 a.m (just how late do these kids stay up?). This amounts to 46 teens, based on the fact that 615 13 to 18 year olds were surveyed and 30% of them claimed to be in a relationship at the time (can't find this currently, but I know I read it USA Today notes that 382 of the sample, 62%, had ever been in a relationship). One out of six (n=30) said they had received messages 10 or more times an hour overnight.

In addition, over one-third of teens who had been in a relationship said a boyfriend or girlfriend had harassed them with text messages. In addition, one out of every four said their significant other had used a cell phone, e-mail, blog or Web chat to insult them (of course, this finding begs the question, what percentage of teens are insulted by their partners overall?).

Yes, I am picking apart the methodology and the sample size, but I am glad this sort of thing is being looked at. And it is all going to a very good cause. Liz Claiborne has launched www.loveisrepect.org as a resource for teens to use if they feel they are in an abusive relationship and want to talk to someone about it 24/7.

Technology can be both the good and bad guy in this case.

Teens do it on purpose, you know

The University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center has finally revealed the other side of the coin. Known for its work in documenting sexual solicitation and unwanted exposure to sexual material online, UNH has published a study in Pediatrics that found that forty-two percent of Internet users aged 10 to 17 surveyed said they had seen online pornography in the past year. Of those, 66 percent said they did not want to view the images and had not sought them out.

Which means, that 34% of them either did want to view the images or did seek them out. That's a sizable minority. More than one-third of 16- and 17-year-old boys surveyed said outright that they had intentionally visited X-rated sites in the past year.

By the way, online pornography was defined in the study as images of naked people or people having sex. So, we are not automatically talking hard-core here. More like Playboy online.

When I get my hands on the actual survey, I'll share more. I am curious to know how many girls are intentionally looking up porn. The coverage of the story doesn't say. Stay tuned.

Oh, Canada

According to WebProNews, a study conducted by Microsoft Canada revealed that teens are relatively trusting of online friends. Study highlights include:

• 70% of surveyed teens believed that the information they put online and sent to friends would be private.
• Of this 70%, 37% of females and 22% of males had emailed a picture of themselves to somebody else on the internet.
  
• 25 per cent of children would feel safe getting together with a person they have only met online and talked to for "a long time" online.

Of course, Canada and the US are not the same, so maybe we can't draw similar conclusions about American youth. But the questions asked were interesting, and show that adults may not be truly understanding the complexity of the issue of teen social networking. Teens know not to talk to strangers. And for the most part kids don't pay attention to sudden solicitations and probably can smell trouble in cyberspace (note: this study also revealed that 96 per cent of parents have spoken with their children about dangers to be aware of online). But what we may not be grasping is the fact that teens can run into problems by running with the "wrong crowd" online -- just like they do in the physical world.

Normally, I shy away from fear based posts -- there are more than enough of those. However, I think this is simply a case of believing that parents should try to get a handle on who their children are spending time with. Most parents want to know if their kid is hanging out with someone who is "trouble." As researchers, we know that peer behavior is a strong predictor of and influence on a youth's behavior. So know who your kid is hanging with online the same way you would want to know who is hosting the party and who is going to be there. Because although your child's new online friend is probably not one of those predators from Dateline, he or she could be a bully, heartbreaker or manipulator. Are those the type of friends you want your child meeting or sending pictures to?

Center for Democracy and Technology says "Just Say No"

The Center for Democracy and Technology (CDT) released its legislative recommendations. Although they support additional funds for parental controls and internet filtering, they do NOT support the Deleting Online Predators Act (DOPA), which would expand the censoring due to the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (which pertains to mostly schools and libraries) to include social networks. In other words, DOPA would result in people not being able to access their MySpace, Facebook, and BeBo accounts at their local school or library. They also may not be able to access Amazon, as there are ways to connect to people through sites such as those as well. "Social networking" has not been defined by the authors of DOPA yet.

CDT joins the American Library Association in its official stance against this bill which many believe is more about censorship than truly protecting youth. The CDT also opposes mandatory labeling that would require Web sites to label some content as "sexually explicit," if the bill did pass.

Should I stay or should I go?

A new column in TechNewsWorld states that MySpace is here to stay because it has critical mass of people and therefore will not lose popularity, as people do not want to but forth the effort to rebuild their profiles and network of friends if they migrate to a new social networking site.

However, others have argued (danah boyd amongst them) almost the exact opposite: that teens don't really mind starting over and don't have much stake in their online identities should they disappear or migrate. Take, for example, the former popularity of Friendster which is now a mere shadow of itself.

Using this POV, it would follow that teens WILL pick up and leave MySpace and it's new and impending rules and restrictions to go somewhere else less regulated and moderated. And when that new space is dominated by adults, the young will pick up and move again. And again.

A never-ending cycle of regulation futility.

New Jersey to expand sex offender registration requirements too

This in from a local New Jersey rag: bills are being drafted to require convicted sex offenders to register their e-mail addresses, cyber identities and computer passwords in addition to their physical location. Both Republican and Democrat representatives are quoted, giving bipartisan support to the legislation.

Expect more states to go down this path and eventually have the Feds expand Megan's Law, making this standard procedure across the nation within the year.

Hypocrisy at its Finest

The news has declared MySpace as a breeding ground for sexual predators. It depicts the social networking site as a place of danger, where teens need to beware of strangers. These news stories often offer information to parents and teens on how to stay safe online. Tips include not providing any identifying information such as your real name or school, IM screen name, or even hometown.

Meanwhile, the public bemoans the fact that our youth are hyper-sexualized and that the popular media is encouraging our youth to be too sexual too soon. They decry that the images of young girls on network TV and the music scene send the wrong message to our youth about what it means to be a mature woman.

So, how does the NBC news cover a story about a group of high school cheerleaders in Dallas, TX who are accused of being bullies and a living example of the movie Mean Girls? By using a slide show of some of their MySpace photos. And what is the opening picture? See for yourself.

Nothing like getting the attention of your viewers by showing the back ends of three young girls in short skirts.

Responsible news coverage at its finest.

Danger for Girls or a Safe Place for Boys?

A new report by Pew Internet and American Life shows that 15-17 year-old boys are twice as likely to use social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook to flirt than are girls the same age. They are also more likely to say they use these sites to make new friends in addition to maintaining existing friendships.

Though we can't know for sure why this is the case, a few theories come to mind. One is that girls are more likely to be on guard and wary of meeting friends (or more) online -- unfortunately, girls simply have more to be afraid of, since they are more likely than boys to be the victims of sexual violence. Thus, girls are not going to reach out into cyberspace to meet boys. They've been taught to be careful.

Another possibility for this finding is a bit more optimistic. Perhaps boys are more likely to reach out to girls online because it is safer for them to express themselves there. In the face-to-face environment, boys are socialized to be tough -- the strong and silent type. However, this macho front does not really allow a boy to take a chance on reaching out to a girl he likes or even wants to get to know better. The possibility of rejection and ridicule is simply too much for the fragile ego underneath the bravado.

Enter the cyberworld. Here is a place where boys can perhaps open up a bit more, using the computer monitor for protection against rejection. Boys can practice opening up, expressing themselves, and making themselves vulnerable with someone they are attracted to. I don't think that it is a good idea for boys to stay within the safer boundaries of cyberspace, but starting there might be a good idea.

Virginia's Youth Internet Safety Task Force Releases Report

Virginia's Attorney General Bob McDonnell compiled a "rock star lineup" to investigate ways to protect Internet users and prosecute online criminals. The result, is a 100+ page report full of recommendations based on five meetings of three different groups -- The Law Enforcement Working Group, The Parents/Educators Working Group, and The Technology Partners Working Group. Most of the changes suggested consist of strengthening laws regarding access to child pornography and toughening punishments for those caught soliciting minors online. A few pertain to creating educational materials for children and parents about how to be safe online (one of the suggestions is to create a fun video game to teach kids about internet safety -- do these ever work?).

Overall, the report is filled with every message one would expect, with no additional surprises: The Internet is dangerous, we must find a way to stop predators, we must rise to the challenge to save our children. There are also several statistics quoted in the report: some are cited, some are not. One that is cited is the infamous "one in five children is sexually solicited online" from the UNH report of 2000; that number has decreased to 1 in 7 in 2005. One that has no reference, other than United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, is “There are as many as 50,000 predators online trolling for child sex victims at any given time.” I have no idea where that number came from or how it was derived.

Many people participated in the Task Force -- judges, law makers, teachers, parents, even teens. But two groups not represented were psychologists and researchers. I wish they were invited to the table to provide a better balance of voice. I think this is a topic worth addressing, but it should be investigated not only with policy in mind, but also a true understanding of what is going on. So little is known about cyberspace when it comes to sex and even less is known about the active role children are playing in it. The fact that the Task Force did not invite people who may have insight into this aspect of the problem either shows that those in charge are completely unaware of this aspect of the issue or are trying to deny it.

Megan's Law goes virtual

According to several news sources, including MSNBC, Virginia Attorney General Bob McDonnell has proposed a bill that would require sex offenders to not only register their physical address with the state, but also their "online identities." In other words, when sex offenders have to register in accordance with Megan's Law, they will have to disclose their email addresses on IM screen names along with all their other personal information, which can include their place of work, make and model of car, and basic physical description.

While I appreciate legislative attempts to increase the safety of our youth, I believe that this is yet another misguided attempt that will not solve the problem of online predators (which, by the way, we really do not have a sense of how big a problem it actually is). I mean, how hard is it to establish new online identities? Heck, you can create several of them in the span of an hour. All a sex offender has to do is register one or two of them with the state, and then simply interact with youth using one of the other 20 they have kept to themselves.

I have a neighbor whose friend, "Steve," pretty much lives with him. In fact, I thought the guy did officially live in this house, but it turns out he doesn't -- he just crashes there all the time. Steve is a registered sex offender, having had been convicted for a sexual encounters with a young boy. But when I go online to look up the names and pictures of the sex offenders in my neighborhood, Steve is not among them. Why? Because he dutifully registered in his official zip code of residence. Nevermind he is never there -- he is always hanging around on our block -- he is obeying the law perfectly. But if he ever does reoffend (I have no reason to believe he will or will not either way) he most likely will do so near me, where he spends most of his time.

Now translate this concept to cyberspace where it is infinitely easier to claim one identity (read: residence) as your real one and then use another one or two or more as you hang out in cyberspace. There are provisions in this bill against this scenario; "To guard against offenders registering one address but using another on MySpace, the penalty would be the same as it would be for not registering or for providing incorrect information, which could result in a misdemeanor or felony charge," states the MSNBC coverage. But you know how it is. A misdemeanor in return for anonymity? Doesn't sound like a bad trade off to me. That is, if you get caught.

Just ask Steve about that.

Couldn't say it better myself

Teens can indeed be the voice of reason. There's an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune that is essentially a transcript of a focus group where teens are talking about social networking. It's a great piece; the teens are able to articulate the realities of how they and their peers use the Internet to connect with each other. Some of the basic messages:

1. Don't ban your teen from using the Internet because they will just go over to a friend's house and use it there.

2. The media gives MySpace a bad reputation. Learn about what social networking is really about from the people who use it, not report on it.

3. Parent involvement is good as long as the parent and child can talk to each other about what is important to them.

Ryenn says it best:
"I think the Internet is safe unless you make it unsafe."

That about sums it up.

99% Pure

According to a study commssioned by the US government, about 1% of sites indexed by Google are sexually explicit. They also found that the strictist Internet filters block 91% of this content while the more lenient ones (that also allow for educational material related to sex to be searched) block about 40%.

The study also debunked the notion that porn or other sex related material is the most commonly searched topics: their study found that less than two percent of searches pertained to sexually related content.

So, are we making a lot of fuss over nothing? Maybe, maybe not. No matter what, parents are going to be concerned about the content that their children encounter. And the 2005 report by Crimes Against Children found that one-third of youth online saw sexual material they did not want to see, compared to one-fourth in 2000.

But how many youth are seeing sexual material that they wanted to see? Or how much of the unwanted sexual material was seen because they were trying to look up information related to sex and simply used the "wrong" words in their queries? We will never know unless we ask.

I am glad that researchers are asking about youth exposure to sexual content. It's also great that they are asking about relationships formed online, and experiences of sexual solicitation. However, we need to know more about purposeful searching for sexual information. Not just sexual health information -- we do know a little bit about teens' searching habits when it comes to looking for information about STDs and pregnancy -- but information about sex, what it is, and what is it like. Without healthy role models and examples of the actual experience of sex, youth will seek out the information and we have no idea what the results and the effects of those results are.

There is no easy solution here. I don't know how we are going to solve the problem of children asking questions and having easy access to all sort of inaccurate answers. But until we start to grasp the extent of the issue, we can't even begin to ask the right questions that will lead us to sensible solutions.

Breaking up is not so hard to do anymore

You've heard it from several places already I bet, but Britney Spears supposedly broke up with her husband Kevin Federline via a text message. And for extra technological fun, it was captured on YouTube, as poor Kevin was on a talk show when it happened. Just goes to show you that if you check your messages while in the company of others, karma is going to catch up with you.

I was disappointed in the basic story coverage by the US news affiliates. It seems as though they got lazy in their research. The Rueters news article which is the one everyone seems to be using (it's the one I linked to via MSNBC) states that "No U.S. figures were available to track the use of text messaging to dump partners." Although they are correct, there is some US research that is close enough to make it worth mentioning. According to a Pew Internet and American Life survey conducted in 2001, 13% of teens have used IM to break up with someone (to be fair, 17% used it to ask someone out). Given that it's been five years since this research, one can imagine the numbers for breaking up using text messages would be similar. It's also similar to the Swiss figure, which states that 9% of their young population has broken up with someone using a text message.

So Kevin, don't feel so bad. You can get online and IM your friends to let them know how sad you are.

The 29-Year-Old Virgin

Slightly off topic, but bear with me here. This deserves special notice. The Feds have now expanded the audience of their abstinence-only message to include unmarried adults up to age 29 according to the Kaiser Family Foundation.

I understand that many people -- especially parents -- want their children to refrain from sexual intercourse while they are in high school. But to not engage in sexual activity until age 30? That seems more than a little preposterous to me (and to the rest of America; over 90% of persons in their 20s are sexually active). Currently, the average age of marriage for females is 25 and it's 27 for males. This new policy really shows that the government is serious about its abstinence-only guidelines: that people should remain abstinent until marriage.

As a 38-year-old never married female, I have to admit that this administration would be disappointed in my behavior, so I am more than a little biased here. But I cannot imagine that very many people are going to take this suggestion seriously. And is it even healthy -- not just physically, but emotionally and mentally -- to not engage in sexual activity for such a long period of time?

If this sort of policy takes hold in our educational system, the Internet is really going to have to step up in its role as sex educator. With no information about contraception, STDs, or sexual pleasure reaching anyone before marriage through the schools or community programs (the elephant in the room, of course, is the assumption that somehow people are going to magically get this information on their wedding day), the WWW is going to become more heavily relied on for persons of all ages who want basic sexual health information.

I know a lot of places that are up for the task for teens such as Cool Nurse, Sex Etc., and Teen Wire but what about adults? Hopefully there are some great sites for them too as they are kept in the dark about even the most basic sexual health information.

My MySpace Messages

Today "AsianPie" sent me a message asking me to join her group called Top Live Web Cams. And "Cool Girl" asked me to join Hot Chicks. Although flattered (how did she know I just turned 38 and realized I am staring 40 head-on?), I declined. Actually, I flagged her as Spam. And then there is poor Kristi. Last week she supposedly sent me an invitation to join Brunettes not Blondes; the message contained a picture of a young woman's backside in a pastel pink thong, lying with legs splayed (I have no idea if the woman in the picture is Brunette, Blonde, or none of the above). Kristi later sent a message apologizing and saying "this is not a real group and I did not message you. some1 got my password and did this."

So, with some sense of satisfaction, I denied AsianPie, Cool Girl and even Kristi the chance to have me as a member of their groups. I even called them SPAM and got to click "yes" when asked if I really thought of them that way. It may indeed be the first time that I got to reject a girl from the sexy crowd. It was fun to think of them as the artificial meat product that sits for years on grocery store shelves.

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned from these young women after all.

Everybody's Doing It...At Least Up North

According to a survey conducted by CampusKiss 87% of its users have had virtual sex, with over half using IM (53%) but almost as many using a Webcam (48%) while 44% stuck to the technologically primitive telephone.

No, this is not the most scientific poll ever conducted, and yes, the 2,484 respondents are Canadian, but this glimpse into the sexual behaviors of young adults is interesting. It shows that cybersex is not uncommon and hardly an activity reserved for deviants. It shows that a heckuva lot of college kids have Webcams and know how to use them.

It shows that the US really needs to get its act in gear and collect similar data from our kids.

Just me and my 5,000 closest friends

A recent article in USA Today profles a 17-year-old girl who has over 5,000 friends in MySpace.

It's girls like Brittnie who give MySpace a bad rap. She admits she doesn't know about 90% of the people she befriends. She admits she denies friendship status to anyone with fewer than 150 friends because it means that "no one likes them." Actually, "admit" is probably the wrong word to choose here. In the article, it sounds more like bragging.

No one knows what friend collecting does to a teens' self-esteem, understanding or appreciation of true friendship, or ability to form close relationships in the physical world. My hunch is that social networking can benefit all of these things, but taken to this extreme, it could be harmful. How does having thousands of "friends" who you have never met, and never will, encourage forming true bonds with those who really care about you? To me, it smells of a demise of intimacy in our culture that might impact the youth of our generation for years to come. Maybe I am overreacting -- like I said, we have no data on the effects of social networking on friendships -- but I believe that moderation and selectivity are the keys to successful relationships. Not collecting people as though they were stamps.

Be my friend!

Since I talk about it all the time, I thought I would go ahead and do it. I have my own MySpace page. Check it out at here and let me know what you think.

So far, I have added friends and had a couple of people make comments. I have surfed for people who I believe are compatible with me (ususally people and organizations that are interested in teen sexuality) and I have made my page pretty cool -- thanks to the help of a friend.

What I haven't done, is really get into the community of MySpace. And I think that is part of the reason why so many of us adults simply don't get the appeal. True, we are at a disadvantage in that, for the most part, our friends we meet in person do not have pages, so we have to start our communities from scratch. And we were not brought up with the Internet as a main means of communication, so although we may rely on it today, we don't see it as an obvious starting place to socialize and connect. But teens do have friends with pages and they are used to building community online. So, as adults, we need to see the world through that perspective.
So I hunt for friends and figure out ways I can connect with them. So far, I haven't really come up with any solid ideas. So, I will do what the teens do. I will start leaving comments on my friend's pages so they know I am thinking about them. I will send bulletins so that everyone knows what I am doing. I will continue to surf for friends.

So, won't you be my friend? See you in MySpace!

"The Truth About Tweens"

According to a story in the British newspaper "The Independent," a new research study conducted by Dr. Joan Atwood reveals that 10% of girls between the ages of 8-13 had been asked intimate sexual questions in chatrooms and more than a third have had sexually explicit messages, photos and/or videos on their phones.

The study involved youth from Britain, Canada, Australia, and the US who were recruited in chatrooms. It appears to be the first study that asks younger girls about sex-related activities online.

Two things about this study come to mind. First, it was not conducted in the US. This is most likely because the US is not willing to consider the fact that children not even into their teens are being exposed to sexual messages to the extent that they are.
Second, playing off this theme of denial, this story was not reported in any US-based publication that I am aware of (I subscibe to several news alerts and like to think I scan the Internet extensively, actively seeking this information). It appears that no news is good news.
We can only hope that our country will be able to investigate issues such as these from a national perspective. There is no use pretending young people are not exposed to sexual material -- there is no pretending that young people are not the creators of this sexual material. But how will we know what is really going on if we are not allowed to ask?

Warning: This blog may soon have a warning label

According to various news sources including Yahoo News there is a provision to a House appropriations bill floating around Congress that, if it passes, would require all web sites with "sexually explicit 'depictions'" to have a warning label. The reasoning is that if these sites have warning labels, then it would be easier for filtering software to block access to all such sites.

Like obscenity, there doesn't seem to be a clear definition of what a "sexually explicit depiction" actually is. But one thing is for sure: this web site would have a warning label. So would YouTube, MySpace, and all other diary-based URLs. So would all photo sites, unless they were carefully monitored for pictures of bachelor(ette) parties and such. Other sites with warning labels would include TeenWire and Sex Etc. and, oh yeah, the Center for Disease Control.

Does anyone in Congress see this slippery slope?

Another breath of fresh air!

Last week the House passed the Deleting Online Predators Act (DOPA) by a lopsided vote of 410-15. As a politician, how can you say you are against deleting online predators? I would love to hear the dissenters on that one. They are brave souls!

Although well-intentioned I'm sure, the bill was not well conceived and doesn't solve the problem it addresses. Larry Magid in his editorial eloquently points out the flaws of this bill.

DOPA attempts to get rid of online predators by requiring "recipients of universal service support for schools and libraries to protect minors from commercial social networking websites and chat rooms." Putting the onus on schools and libraries to protect minors? How, do tell, does this get rid of predators? All this does is drive the problem further underground as teens will have to be more secretive of their online use. And, as Magid points out, prevents social networking sites from being a positive teaching tool.

It would take a miracle, but let's hope each and every Senator sees the fundamental flaws in this bill before raising his or her hand to say "aye."

A mom with common sense

I just wanted to share an article that was in the Seattle Times today. For every editorial like this one there are unfortunately 100s of others that create panic in the hearts of every parent. Linda Kanpp, a parent herself, wanted to know more about MySpace and did so from her objective, open, journalist mind.
The result? She learned about some bad stuff and also some good stuff. And she advocates for parents to get more involved with their children's online activities. So simple, yet so absent in the media today.

Have you read your SPAM today?

Like many people I am sure, I don't take the time to read my SPAM. Thankfully, most of it goes into my Junk mail folder, and when I compare the amount I get to how much my partner gets, I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

But today, I decided to read some of it. Out of the eight (yes, only 8) messages I received, three were about sex.

1. One provided a link to where I could get Viagara for cheap. Remember, this medication requires a prescription from a doctor.

2. One told me about a fantastic product that could increase my penis size by 4 inches (10 cm). Needless to say, that didn't really interest me.

3. Finally, I got an email boasting about a product that would stop my "premature creaming."

What SPAM did your child get today? Ask him or her about it. It will help you learn what messages youth are bombarded with on a daily basis and potentially help start a conversation about sex. The one you have been meaning to have, but haven't gotten around to yet.

It's official! MySpace is #1

According the the Internet tracking company Hitwise, MySpace was the most visited web site last week, reports USA Today. So it appears that MySpace is weathering all its negative press (or perhaps it is thriving because of it).
Although I do not doubt this statistic, I do have a problem with this brief article; USA Today misleadingly refers to MySpace as an "online teen hangout." While it is true that many users of this site are teens, adults still make up the vast majority of its members. Let's not let the press fuel the myths and culture of fear that is surrounding the phenomenon of social networking. An accurate portrayal of MySpace can help parents and others obtain a better understanding as to how it and other social networking sites work to help connect people to each other. While some may say I am nitpicking and/or arguing semantics, I believe that every piece of information can help create either a true -- or false -- concept of something. Something that is completely foreign to many whose only knowledge of social networking sites comes from the media.

MySpace caters to the concerns

Maybe it took a multi-million dollar lawsuit, but MySpace has created some new rules in order to protect the safety of minors.
MySpace users who are 18 or over will no longer be able to request to be on a 14- or 15-year-old's friends' list unless they already know either the youth's e-mail address or full name. This is to prevent prowlers from scoping for youth in MySpace, but will allow parents, relatives and other adults to be able to befriend a child -- IF they know his or her email address. This policy will not remove those adults who already are on minors' pages, so those with ill intent could be working overtime to befriend as many minors as possible before this rule goes into effect.
One of the major limitations to this regulation is that MySpace currently has no mechanism for verifying that users submit their true age when registering. I know many people who are supposedly 99 years old. And if someone wants to choose an age closer to their real one, it doesn't take a math genius to figure out what date of birth you need to register under in order to become an 18 year old and completely available to the public eye.
Another limitation is that this may encourage teens to become more secretive with their MySpace accounts. They may create one account with their real age for their parents to monitor: I'm sure it will be full of school events and some cool new music. And then a teen can have his or her "real" space, using a different email address, where they learn about parties, crushes, and other assorted gossip.
MySpace does need to increase its regulations. But don't think that there are not easy work arounds for teens who want to have a public profile.

Every parent's nightmare

By now you have read about the 16-year old girl from Michigan who was on her way to Jericho to marry a man she met on MySpace. She was an honor student, a "good girl" who somehow managed to convince her parents to get her a passport (she said she wanted to go to neighboring Canada to see a friend -- so much for the beefing of security post 9/11 making her life SAFER: before 9/11 passports were not needed to get to Canada...). Then she snuck out of her house and boarded a plane to meet her future husband.

Yup -- husband. Apparently the 21-year-old native of the West Bank and the Michigan girl were going to get married after she was to williningly converted to Islam and signed a marriage contract.

This story is about as prototypical (possibly stereotypical) when it comes to explaining parent fears about MySpace as any story can be. The girl in question was not really considered a "trouble-maker" and yet she boarded a plane for a war-ridden region to marry someone 5 years old who she had never met face to face without her family knowing can make anyone believe it could happen to their child.

But could it have been avoided? Possibly. The parents could have been a little more inquisitive about the trip to Canada -- where exactly was she going? Who would she be staying with? Her lies could have unraveled at that point. Adults can also check in with their children about their friends and who they are talking to and spending most of their time with. Given that she wanted to marry this guy, I am going to assume that they had interacted extensively online. Would his name ever come up if asked? Maybe, maybe not.

Meanwhile, the scorned husband-to-be is heartbroken on the other side of the world. He resents being labeled a predator and really believed that he had truly found love online. His parents knew about his relationship with the American girl and were supportive of the union.

The girl turns 17 this week, which means she is a year away from being able to unite with this young man without anyone being able to stop her legally. Will they still be together then? Probably not, as I would imagine that many precautions are being taken to keep them apart. But the internet is a place where one can create many identities and have many contact sources. If the two really do love each other, they can wait a year and become a true modern-day Romeo and Juliet.

Will Dateline put itself out of business?

For the past several months, Dateline has been targeting online predators. Although the TV-viewing audience continues to be enthralled week after week, each time the episode is the same thing over and over again: A man shows up to a random house expecting to hook up (inappropriately) with an underage girl and instead comes face to face with a news reporter and a camera crew. Each time, the man in question tries to make some plausible excuse as to why he is even there, nevermind with fast food in hand and sometimes only partially clothed.

My question is this: Why would anyone risk picking someone up on the Internet -- a child no less -- given even the slightest chance of not only getting caught but also caught on camera? And even if you don't become as infamous as those on Dateline, there are news stories cropping up all over the place, like this one from the Chicago Tribune about police setting up their own stings to catch pedophiles. And then there is the web site Perverted Justice who started this whole thing -- and whose 27-year-old founder recently signed a six-figure contract with Dateline, proving that this fascination isn't going away any time soon.

Obviously, I am over-simplifying this issue. There are some people out there who are compulsive, mentally ill, and cannot help themselves. But even then, the idea of finding "prey" online seems a high risk strategy. Maybe by showing people getting caught time and time again, Dateline and Perverted Justice will put themselves out of business? One can hope, but not count on it.

Oprah gets in on the act

I always want to hear what Oprah has to say about a particular issue because she has power. A lot of power. So, when I came home early from work and turned on her show, I was excited to see that she was going to talk about online safety. I patiently waited through the Anderson Cooper interview, only to be met with disappointment.

First of all, the "segment" was two three minute bits separated by a commercial break as long as the piece itself. The opener was an update on some adults that had been convicted of rape and other violent and sexual behavior of children. These adults had been apprehended thanks to Oprah viewers. While I am glad that these adults are behind bars facing long sentences, I did not like the implication of leading the online safety piece with this. All these criminals had prior relationships with their victims and lived in the same neighborhoods. Despite all the press about the evil that lurks online, most pedophiles have a prior relationship with their victims. Many are family members. It is important not to lose sight of this fact, lest we succumb to the myth that those who are most dangerous to our children are complete strangers. It hurts to think of the truth, but the fact of the matter is that children who are victimized most likely know their assailant and that assailant is likely a member of, or close to, the family -- NOT a stranger from the online world.

Then the actual online safety portion is featured. It consists of a New York Times reporter going online, finding a girl between 13 and 16 who lives in Texas using some unknown search engine (it clearly comes from a social networking site, but is not MySpace, but I can't identify it), learning her high school and IM screen name and attempting to contact her. He accomplishes this all in 2 and a half minutes and ends his story stating that if he had "ill intentions" he would be at a state where "now I can do whatever I want" [with her].

While it is true that he COULD theoretically go to her high school and kidnap her, this story leaves out the control the girl could have in this situation. Although she made some poor choices by making her high school and IM screen name easily accessible, there are other ways she can foil this man's "ill intentions." She can not respond to his IM and even block him from being able to contact her again. If she believed that he was up to no good, she could report him to her ISP or to a cyber tipline. She could tell her parents that some creep tried to contact her and they could call the police. There are many things a child can do to stop predators. I only wish Oprah had focused on what people can do to stop them instead of sensationalizing what could happen if no one did anything.

Where the control lies

All this talk about how to monitor kids' internet use is going to become moot pretty soon. According to the LA Times on May 11, MySpace now comes in a cellphone version. Although this feature is an exclusive to a few elite phones produced by a company called Helio, as we all know, it won't be long before everyone will be able to access this version of MySpace.

And yes, these phones are being aggressively marketed to teens.

What this article brings is an underlying message: It isn't enough for parents to simply monitor their child's computer use. Soon it will be necessary to monitor phone use. But then what next? As technology becomes more and more complex it won't be long before the use of some other device will need monitoring.

It boils down to the need for parents and children to communicate with each other in order to build trust between them. This can only happen if adults become familiar with the world their children live in. Grownups don't need to -- nor should they -- adopt youth culture (lest they want to be ridiculed by people of all ages), but they should try to understand it so that they can draw boundaries and set limits based on an educated opinion, not fear or the latest news story or talk show feature. Adults need to ask their children questions and share concerns. Then they need to listen to the other side of the story. The positive aspects of online social networks as seen through youths' eyes. The best rules are set when all sides of the story are heard.

The Modern Day "Dear Abby"

Just got back from the Adolescent Sexuality Conference in Seaside, OR where I got to talk about oral sex for 90 minutes :-). Great discussions, and the passion just exuded from all participants. People who work in sex education really care about what they do and how it affects young people. Events like that remind me of why I love working in this field so much and it makes it really hard to go back to my "real" job.

Anyhoo, I went to a presentation lead by Nora Gelperin of Sex Etc., a website for teens by teens. It is one of the best sex ed resources for young people because of its accurate information, responsible fact checking, and unique combination of youth voice and expert information.

In the workshop, Nora had the participants guess the most common questions teens asked about sex in their "Ask the Experts" section. And the answers are (drum roll, please)...

Boys ask about penis size and masterbation. Nuff said.

Girls ask about pregnancy (can I get pregnant if....) and painful sex (does it hurt the first time?).

If you work with youth or have teens these may not surprise you. What I like about these topics is that they are REAL. These are questions that pertain to everyday life, the logistics of sex and sexuality, and are a part of being a sexual being. When it comes to sex, this is what teens want to know.

Do we talk about this in school? Heck no. Do parents talk about these things in the legendary "birds and the bees" talk? Rarely. Yet these are the concerns teens have. And thanks to the internet, they can get answers to these questions -- ones that are not brought up in their other sources of sex education and ones that they would probably not dare utter out loud. Places like Sex Etc. are like a large-scale anonymous question box -- a place where a young person can get the information they need without fear of judgement and scrutiny.

Homeland Security, sure -- but what about Cyber Security?

Hot off the press!

DHS Official Charged in Online Seduction

Brian J. Doyle, a US Department Secretary for Homeland Security was charged with "using a computer to seduce a child" after having sexally explicit conversations with a supposed 14-year-old girl. The "girl" just happened to be an undercover detective.

According to the sheriff's office, Doyle sent pornographic pictures to her and asked her to perform sexual acts while thinking of him. He also told her what sorts of sexual acts he wanted to do with her.

On some twisted level, that makes sense. A man seduces a girl online by sending her porn and talking dirty to her. Here is where the story gets strange (at least to me):
Apparently, Doyle also told this girl his real name and picture and told her what his job was and gave her his cell phone number. I find it hard to believe that the man could be either that stupid or that arrogant to think that giving out his real identity was OK.

Didn't he take a course on online safety? Doesn't he know better than to disclose his true identity and give out information so that he could be traced?

Well, if we can't teach the adults to be smart about making friends online, at least we can make sure our children are savvier than that.