Give Them Credit, Give Them Support

A recent article in the New York Times appears to uncover how the internet is impacting middle school romances. Through interviews with some young New Yorkers (note the limited representation), it attempts to reveal how sexting and easy access to porn are shaping how these youth relate to each other, their bodies, and their friends.

I always find these articles fascinating, and usually respect their content -- the Times often tackles an issue related to youth development more in-depth and responsibly than most other news outlets. And for that I am grateful.

However, this time the article goes a little too far in the alarmist direction for my taste. First, let's take the illustrations. Though clearly meant to show what girls are doing these days, they do little more than glamorize the very pictures is admonishes. Second, the article quotes the "statistic" that the average age of first exposure to online porn is 11 -- and doesn't cite the source. Probably because that statistic has long ago been criticized as being total bunk by highly reputable sources.

But mostly, this article bothers me because it simply presents problems (scandals, even) without offering any solutions. Yes, it may be true (we don't have evidence, but it does make sense to believe) that higher access to pornography might create an inaccurate sense of what actual sex is supposed to be like -- but what should we do about it? Can we have intelligent conversations with girls AND boys about how pornography depicts unrealistic expectations of sex in a classroom? At an after school program? Among family members? And yes -- oftentimes the content of cyberbullying focuses on sexual rumor (just like gossip and bathroom wall graffiti in earlier times) -- so why can't we incorporate lessons on cyberbullying in a sex education classroom? And where is the dialog about healthy relationships? It's missing from most of our lives.

To the author's credit, the article does portray girls as having common sense to assess what is right and wrong to do both online and with a boyfriend, and as having a great deal of strength to fight the pressure they feel to sexualize themselves in ways they do not feel comfortable. So, let's give these savvy youth a chance to educate themselves further and critically analyze today's influences on their sex lives so that they embody healthy messages about their own sexual expression and relationships, and pass them on to their peers and partners.

CORRECTION: I misattributed this article to the NYT -- It's actually from New York Magazine. Big difference, and I apologize for the error. It does help explain the tone of the article, though!

How cool is "That's Not Cool?"

There's a new website -- That's Not Cool -- sponsored by The Family Violence Prevention Fun, Ad Council, and the Office on Violence Against Women. It features pretty humorous, but somewhat cheesy, videos about "digital boundaries" -- cyberstalking, sending nude pics (sexting), and other issues related to romantic relationships going digital. I really like this term, and hope to see more of it as adults begin to appreciate this issue.

One feature, "Pressure Pic Problem," features the dilemma an apple (yes, a piece of fruit) faces when his friends pear and banana want him to get his gal orange to send nekked pics of herself. It's interactive, sort of like a choose your own adventure game, so you can see how different situations play out.

Then there is guest video "What if?" created by YouTube celeb Brandon Hardesty. It discusses the difficult question "who to turn to" when faced with such pressures. And when I checked it out, it already had over 66,000 views!

All the videos I watched were silly more than funny, making me wonder who they will appeal to (get it? Appeal? See Pressure Pic and you will appreciate my lovely pun...). But I guess if they get anyone's attention it is a good start to the conversation about how to set limits on communication in an era where we expect instantaneous responses and to be able to be up-to-date on EVERYONE'S business at the click of a button.

A Glimmer of Intelligence

I have had a lot of contact with the media in my life. I tend to research about timely and "sexy" topics, and that draws the attention of journalists. And, as you all know, I love to talk and philosophize about things that I really care about. So, put me on a phone with a media person who is trained to let someone blather away until they say something stupid or incriminating and you have a really bad combination from my POV...

But I have to say that for the first time I actually have been quoted somewhere and don't sound like a complete moron. Of course, the writer spelled my name wrong, so Googling this will be hard in the future, but hey. I am making strides. I can actually sound articulate sometimes! See?

This is an issue that I really struggle with intellectually and emotionally. No, I don't think it is a good idea for 12-year-olds to go around seducing older guys (or v.v., for that matter). Especially 28-year-old older guys. Blech. But when we seek to blame someone or something, where to point fingers? I am reluctant to blame parents here. I tend to blame the media, which really is a reflection of our society and cultural values. So, I guess I just blame America.

For as long as I can remember (which would be when I was that age) I have known the longing to have someone find me attractive. I also, when I was a bit older than this (summer after 7th grade), was courted by a college student and felt that I was the sexiest girl in the world because of it. I know how this 12-year-old felt on some level: validated, pretty, loved, desired. But my college boy and I did not have sex. We went out to diiner, kissed, and flirted and stared a lot, but that is as far as it went physically. So, I don't know how this 12 year old felt when she sought to have sex -- and did -- with a man more than twice her age. But I can imagine.

How do we get young persons to realize that the older guys who respond to them are sort of losers? It's a question that plagues me, educators, and parents everywhere. Problem is, I still don't see Seth as a lame-ass for being with me way back then. And I don't see me as damaged in any way by being with him (for three summers, I may add. It was a silly little romance that actually lasted for a bit). Maybe that is part of my problem. I can't find a solution until I realize that what happened to me is the very thing that as an adult I want to prevent, but as part of my memories is one of the best times of my life.

An Offhand Remark

I teach a college level course in Human Sexuality and my guest speaker today was from a local organization that goes to different schools to talk to middle and high school students about sex and relationships (it's this last part that makes the program particularly unique). During the class, the speaker discussed some of the activities and topics that they address in secondary education -- one of them being the importance of setting sexual limits with partners. So, the speaker asks the class: "What is a good way to talk about sexual limits with someone that you are with?"

Without hesitation, someone in my class yells out "Talk to them about it on MySpace." Another said "IM them." It was the first time that my own students (who are "older youth," given that they are college students) were offering online solutions to relationship problems. It made me realize that my "target population" is no longer only in secondary education. They are right in front of me.

Reality Bites

Maybe it's the kudos received by the movie Lars and the Real Girl, or maybe it's the recent release of the book Love and Sex with Robots by David Levy. No matter, the idea of people having relationships with, and even falling in love, with cyberdolls (see RealDoll website for examples but warning! This site is not suitable for work) is getting some attention.

In an age where people have commented on the loss of intimacy in youth relationships and the normalization of porn, this news can be especially disconcerting. How can we encourage people to see sex as a powerful act to be shared between two people who care about each other when the very presumption of "people" is being challenged?

But according to a recent interview of Levy, ""love and sex with robots on a grand scale are inevitable." Granted, this man is talking about beings with artificial intelligence, not static dolls, but the idea of this is so Brave New World. Will it happen in our lifetimes?

Breaking up is not so hard to do anymore

You've heard it from several places already I bet, but Britney Spears supposedly broke up with her husband Kevin Federline via a text message. And for extra technological fun, it was captured on YouTube, as poor Kevin was on a talk show when it happened. Just goes to show you that if you check your messages while in the company of others, karma is going to catch up with you.

I was disappointed in the basic story coverage by the US news affiliates. It seems as though they got lazy in their research. The Rueters news article which is the one everyone seems to be using (it's the one I linked to via MSNBC) states that "No U.S. figures were available to track the use of text messaging to dump partners." Although they are correct, there is some US research that is close enough to make it worth mentioning. According to a Pew Internet and American Life survey conducted in 2001, 13% of teens have used IM to break up with someone (to be fair, 17% used it to ask someone out). Given that it's been five years since this research, one can imagine the numbers for breaking up using text messages would be similar. It's also similar to the Swiss figure, which states that 9% of their young population has broken up with someone using a text message.

So Kevin, don't feel so bad. You can get online and IM your friends to let them know how sad you are.